Conversation with a homosexual man.

S.N. is a gay man who is in his early 20's. He is not a close friend of mine, but was referred to me by my sister. 

When I spoke with him, he reiterated many of the ideas introduced to me by R.S., my lesbian friend with regards to masculinity/femininity governing attraction in homosexuals. He said that gay men are rarely "dick men" or "ass men." Rather, they are defined within the gay community by whether they are more "masculine" or "feminine." On top of that, masculine and feminine men are associated with dominance and submission, respectively, and referred to as "tops" or "bottoms." There is also the "vers" distinction, which stands for versatile. A "vers" man is one who can be either dominant or submissive in a relationship, and men who are "vers" make up a relatively large proportion of men in the gay community.


The traits that define these categories are mostly personality traits. S.N. said that being a "top" or "bottom" is rarely associated with attraction to one specific body part as much as it it associated with whether you're dominant/masculine or submissive/feminine in a relationship. Sometimes though, tops are bigger and more "masculine" looking men, while bottoms are smaller men. This is, of course, an observation of some people and by no means an always-true statement.


He said that discovering which type of person you are is a very important step when defining yourself within the community and a relationship with a man. The terminology is also used in the community in a somewhat light-hearted context. He said that, for example, he might be at a bar with a friend and see an attractive man and say to his friend "Do you think he's a top or a bottom?" 


Finally, I learned that the terminology and discussion, as it is with most women, is not competitive. This makes sense since "opposites attract." Being a "top" means you are typically attracted to a "bottom," so there is no reason to argue about which one is better. The both are necessary. Meanwhile, "tit men" and "ass men" have no real practicality in relationships, so it is obvious that men tend to argue about which is better. 


I also found it somewhat interesting that out of all four types of desire (man-man, man-woman, woman-man, woman-woman), there emergence of vocabulary words to describe these self-imposed groups only occurred within groups of men. The terms "butch" and "lipstick lesbian" are sometimes used to describe "masculine" and "feminine" lesbians, but I have scarcely heard these terms used when discussing lesbian culture with women, so I'm not completely sure whether these were invented by lesbians to describe their own sub-orientation orientations, or invented by observers. 


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